"the thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night." friedrich nietzsche
this is true. there was the night a few months back, i was online placing a huge order for every narcotic sleep aid i knew the name of - huge amounts that would guarantee a good long forever sleep. a good long rest from a broken life. a rest from the shattered hopes and dreams for a family. for love. for the happily ever after. my husband wants to leave. he made it so clear today. my children are better off with him. better without me. he has me almost convinced of that fact. there are days i'm sure he is right. other days i know he's a monster for even the suggestion. this is proof that he doesn't love me, as he knows how deeply i love my children. if he wants to hurt me -this is the right way to do so. to suggest i'm a bad mother, or that i'm "ruining them." i love them so much- i will do anything to free them from the burden of me. i know this departure will hurt them, but they hurt if i stay. they hurt if i go. it seems the best option between the two, as it will fade and then they will all be free to have a better life. i am selfish to want to go. i am selfish to want to stay. this is the crazy-making thought process that leads me to place desperate orders online to canadian pharmacies that have overnight shipping. if i can only hang on until my order arrives. it gives me a day to clean up a bit. to put away some of the evidence of my self destruction. old journals to burn. to put my house in order so my mother won't have to clean up after me. i wish there was a way to do this without hurting my parents. my siblings. my children. it would be so much easier on everyone if it could be an accident. a car accident that would be sad but wouldn't make them feel as if they failed as parents. so i drive and pray my car will crash. i speed out on the open desert, hoping to crash but not wanting to hurt other people. it will have to be off an embankment, off a mountain. somehow, so i won't hurt even more people than i already am. yet i'm too afraid, too weak to even do this. i don't have the guts. the violence of it bothers me. i can't bring myself to do it- to drive over the edge. i've tried. the day in the canyon. up to the overlook. up the hill and speeding down to the edge at 80 mph but there was a cement barricade my wheels got stuck on. why do they all try to prevent suicides? it makes no sense. they can stop you today. force the drugs out of your stomach. send you to the hospital where they watch you eat, try to make you talk, give you pills, spend 2 minutes each day asking how you feel. then 5 days later send you back home to the one who wishes you gone. back to the one who spent hours on the phone with his little girlfriendho everyday while i was hospitalized. he who makes me want to die. back to the place where the abuse originates. keeping me here doesn't change a thing. just puts off the inevitable for awhile. i don't see why they have to stop me. who cares. it just rids the world of one more problem. one more broken person that is not contributing. what does it really matter if i'm gone? why do they care? nothing they can say or give me will change my horrible reality. the fact that this really is my life, my reality. this is my life. and i chose it. that is the ultimate painful reality. hatred. hatred and anger at myself for not choosing carefully. for not looking out for myself to make sure the man i was about to marry, really loved me. really knew me. really treated me well. i sold myself to the first bidder. of course he treats me like crap. i was too easy. i let him treat me like garbage. something about who i am makes him treat me that way. so it is my fault. i loved him too much. i was too young. i didn't have a clue who i was so i clung to him. i did everything to please him. changed myself so many ways, changed and changed and one day i didn't recognize myself anymore. i changed for someone who is willing to throw me away. i don't hate him. i hate myself for not taking care of myself. for not watching out for myself. not watching out for the little girl inside me that is still there. wanting a safe place. wanting love. approval. unconditional love and acceptance. a place where one can stay, even when mistakes are made. while i figure out what i need to do to have a real life. while i find my way. but i know that no such place really exists.
i'm not going to die today or tomorrow. it isn't meant to be. not this month. my credit card was declined and my sleeping pill sacrificial offering will not be offered. it will not happen today. not tomorrow. but the option being there brings great comfort. having a plan helps.
