another month

another month has gone by. there have been good things and bad things. yet, overall - nothing is really better because i'm still here writing another depressing post, still fully convinced the  world would be a better place without me. i hate how people misunderstand these feelings. they think someone who commits suicide is selfish, that they wanted everyone else to feel bad in some self-centered narcissistic manner. i don't know about others and their state of mind, but for myself - it is for none of these reasons. yes, i would like to be free from my own pain. yet, i can live with my own pain and have done so for many years now. the pain that makes me want to end my life, is knowing that my pain, ME, who i am and how I deal with every day - hurts those i love so dearly. my husband and sweet children -i hate being the hardest thing in their life. i know if i was gone - my husband would be remarried within the year and privately at least, feel relieved. relieved from being stuck with me forever. my children, is the harder issue. i don't know what it will do to them. i don't know for sure if staying is going to hurt them worse than leaving them. and some might ask - "why kill yourself? why not just leave?" - because i'm so sick that i can't take care of everything myself everyday. i can't work. i can't do the kids by myself. i haven't been out there in the world with a career for many years now - and its not that i'm afraid of that - i'm not, i just would be starting from the beginning and i know that salary won't cover life. i need my husband and i hate that. i need his help with the kids. i know if anyone knew that, i could lose my kids to him in custody battles. even him knowing my depression and suicidal tendencies - he could take them from me forever. i know i can't live somewhere, by myself, knowing i'm missing everything in their lives - the smiles, the bandaids on owies, the birthdays, the sleepy snuggles, the school programs, the day to day caring for them that makes life worth living for me. i can't live knowing that is going on over at their daddy's house with his new wifey - that she is giving the hugs and wiping the noses and laying out their perfectly laundered clothes and serving them perfect eggs for breakfast. writing this, almost convinces me that i should go ahead and do my plan. my kids need that. they need that woman and i wish i could be that woman. i am her to a point, but lately, i'm sick more often than i'm well. i'd rather go out with them having some memory of the 'good me' before these memories of who i've become take over and that is all they remember. my life is a list of things i've done. good things, bad things. but the longer i'm living, the longer the bad list grows. painful memories replacing the wonderful, sweet things. i don't want to be my husband's "cross to bear". i don't want to be the kind of mother my children will need therapy to recover from. i would rather be dead than hurt them that way. i believe i will still feel on the otherside. but i hope and believe the separation will feel a bit different. it is all a gamble as i just don't know for sure. i don't really believe that people who commit suicide are damned. anyone in that sort of pain is not trying to break god's laws but desperate for peace - goodness, relief from the hell that living can sometimes be. so is the solution to those to send them to experience hell forever? i don't want to commit a great sin against god. that is a big reason i'm still here - that and not wanting to hurt my children. i'm not sure what the outcome would be eternally. i don't want to do anything wrong. i've tried so hard to change ME -the way i think, to change the things i do. to get help physically with doctors, medicine, anti-depressants, spiritually - counseling, religion, repentance ... and surprisingly, my changes in my heart - my newfound relationship with god is a reason i so desperately want to be gone from here - to be there. assuming i could be there with god and not in hell somewhere. there are great books i've read, so many books, classes, seminars, nutritional changes, medicine changes and combinations. so many doctors, ways to think, affirmations, herbs, yoga, reading scripture - on and on. all these things do help somewhat, but underneath- more or less - the problems is still there. i want to serve god with all my heart, might, mind and soul. my heart is huge and has so much capacity to love - to even love myself. i want to serve others, to teach my children of god's love - to teach them well and be a good mother. to serve anyone other than my own self-centered depression. i want good things. i pray for physical capacity to do the good things. i don't want to live like this. i want to be that good wife, whose husband can say was 'the best thing that ever happened to him' . that would feel blessed to have me as his wife. that doesn't regret marrying me. all i want is for him to be happy, to feel my love, to make his life joyful and happy - i never knew this would happen to me. i had never dealt with depression before we were married. i knew being a wife and mother was the greatest thing i could do with my life -that it is a gift of god to be with someone to love, to have children to raise, to love. i always knew this and wanted this, so to get it and then mess it up by my own weaknesses is intolerable. i know how important it is. there is nothing out there i want if i don't have them. i am good at many things, could be successful in many careers, am great at learning things, but all that really doesn't mean a thing without those you love. the career, the success is just something we do. loving and being with my family is what i am. not what i do. i can't just move to another town, start a new life and forget that i had a perfect little family. that they are still over there. i know i couldn't do that. i either make this work, find a solution to ME... or i'm dead. for me, there are just 2 solutions. it is hard too, because it all does have a deadline. i need to change today. right now. they are growing up. my husband is growing colder and colder. i need to feel good NOW - to go out there and be a fun mommy. to replace some hard memories with some fun ones. my husband feels stuck. i feel for him. i don't want to do this to him. he feels damned if he stays, yet damned if he leaves. i feel the same way myself. there are no easy answers. it is hard to change. even when there is strong desire to change. it is extremely hard to change when physical, mental limitations leave me feeling totally handicapped-preventing me from doing the things that i know i MUST do. like being expected to run this marathon. everyone must run it. it is so awesome to be a part of it. the goal isn't even to win or come close - just to run. but i have no legs to run. i want to run. i remember running before and the thrill of the wind in my hair, the rush of pushing myself through burning muscles and fatigue - the thrill of  finishing races. i loved it. but i remember it and can't not remember how good it felt. so to see it and everyone around me running their races and not being able to participate - sucks. and then they look at me like 'why aren't you running you loser' they can't see i don't have legs - i look the same as everyone else. 'you must not want to run bad enough'... ' you must just be lazy or have low self-esteem'' you need to repent and be born again and know of god's love for you then you could run.' but they judge and assume i don't want to be running. what they don't see is that i want to run so badly, i'd rather die than miss the race. i do know of god's love for me - know that he is with me - but it makes me want to be there - in a place where physical limitations aren't the problem. where the intent of one's heart is what is judged. i know the intent of my heart and i know it is good. i am confident the Lord will accept me. i can serve there better than here i am sure. so don't judge me for being suicidal. don't judge me for thinking this way. i've been working at this problem intensely for about 15 years and little things can change, here and there, but underneath the  problem is still there and seems to grow with each new year and year older my children grow. the older they get, the more they need me - the deeper who i am affects them and who they will become. i feel so trapped in my mind, this body - and wish almost i just didn't care. i wish i could be one of those people who could just get in my car and drive away. and not look back. that knows how to turn off her heart and just go on. i don't blame anyone. i'm not angry at my husband, my parents, god, or even myself. i know i have tried really hard and try to do my best in every situation every day. it doesn't mean i'm successful at that all the time, but i know my intentions are good. that i never set out to be selfish, or broken, or hurtful - i want those i love to be happy and i don't know how to give that to them. i want to be happy too, but not at their expense. what to do.... what to do?

"the thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night." friedrich nietzsche

this is true. there was the night a few months back, i was online placing a huge order for every narcotic sleep aid i knew the name of - huge amounts that would guarantee a good long forever sleep. a good long rest from a broken life. a rest from the shattered hopes and dreams for a family. for love. for the happily ever after. my husband wants to leave. he made it so clear today. my children are better off with him. better without me. he has me almost convinced of that fact. there are days i'm sure he is right. other days i know he's a monster for even the suggestion. this is proof that he doesn't love me, as he knows how deeply i love my children. if he wants to hurt me -this is the right way to do so. to suggest i'm a bad mother, or that i'm "ruining them." i love them so much- i will do anything to free them from the burden of me. i know this departure will hurt them, but they hurt if i stay. they hurt if i go. it seems the best option between the two, as it will fade and then they will all be free to have a better life. i am selfish to want to go. i am selfish to want to stay. this is the crazy-making thought process that leads me to place desperate orders online to canadian pharmacies that have overnight shipping. if i can only hang on until my order arrives. it gives me a day to clean up a bit. to put away some of the evidence of my self destruction. old journals to burn. to put my house in order so my mother won't have to clean up after me. i wish there was a way to do this without hurting my parents. my siblings. my children. it would be so much easier on everyone if it could be an accident. a car accident that would be sad but wouldn't make them feel as if they failed as parents. so i drive and pray my car will crash. i speed out on the open desert, hoping to crash but not wanting to hurt other people. it will have to be off an embankment, off a mountain. somehow, so i won't hurt even more people than i already am. yet i'm too afraid, too weak to even do this. i don't have the guts. the violence of it bothers me. i can't bring myself to do it- to drive over the edge. i've tried. the day in the canyon. up to the overlook. up the hill and speeding down to the edge at 80 mph but there was a cement barricade my wheels got stuck on. why do they all try to prevent suicides? it makes no sense. they can stop you today. force the drugs out of your stomach. send you to the hospital where they watch you eat, try to make you talk, give you pills, spend 2 minutes each day asking how you feel. then 5 days later send you back home to the one who wishes you gone. back to the one who spent hours on the phone with his little girlfriendho everyday while i was hospitalized. he who makes me want to die. back to the place where the abuse originates. keeping me here doesn't change a thing. just puts off the inevitable for awhile. i don't see why they have to stop me. who cares. it just rids the world of one more problem. one more broken person that is not contributing. what does it really matter if i'm gone? why do they care? nothing they can say or give me will change my horrible reality. the fact that this really is my life, my reality. this is my life. and i chose it. that is the ultimate painful reality. hatred. hatred and anger at myself for not choosing carefully. for not looking out for myself to make sure the man i was about to marry, really loved me. really knew me. really treated me well. i sold myself to the first bidder. of course he treats me like crap. i was too easy. i let him treat me like garbage. something about who i am makes him treat me that way. so it is my fault. i loved him too much. i was too young. i didn't have a clue who i was so i clung to him. i did everything to please him. changed myself so many ways, changed and changed and one day i didn't recognize myself anymore. i changed for someone who is willing to throw me away. i don't hate him. i hate myself for not taking care of myself. for not watching out for myself. not watching out for the little girl inside me that is still there. wanting a safe place. wanting love. approval. unconditional love and acceptance. a place where one can stay, even when mistakes are made. while i figure out what i need to do to have a real life. while i find my way. but i know that no such place really exists.  

i'm not going to die today or tomorrow. it isn't meant to be. not this month. my credit card was declined and my sleeping pill sacrificial offering will not be offered. it will not happen today. not tomorrow. but the option being there brings great comfort. having a plan helps.   

"In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, 

as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong." 

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

we were so happy